


Exhaustion

by Stagcore



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e11 Mea Maxima Culpa, Exhaustion, F/M, Jace Wayland Deserves Nice Things, Light Angst, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant, Panic Attacks, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Protective Alec, brief talks about suicide/death, don't worry it isn't graphic, minor references to self harm, not Jalec, vulnerable Jace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-19 09:40:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16532075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stagcore/pseuds/Stagcore
Summary: “Emotions serve a purpose. You don’t go through what you just went through, witnessing all that death and not feel something, Jace. It’s not good for you. Just feel something. Whether you think it clouds your judgement or not.” -Clary."I went into that room willing to die. Maybe I should have?" He whispered, looking out towards the city. Not wanting to look at his Parabatai."Or, Alec notices that Jace isn't okay and they sit and talk about their feelings."Jace," Alec said carefully, still taking in what his brother had said. "Have you ever thought that maybe you were meant to live?"





	Exhaustion

Alec first notices it when Jace failed to block a basic attack. They were both sparing. The matt under their feet creased slightly as it entertained the Parabatai's weight. two bodies blocking and jabbing. Fighting and dodging so quickly it looked like an intricate dance. That was the only way to describe it. The way Jace and Alec were in combat were like two powerful fighters becoming one. Blades clashed and kicks were lashed out so swiftly if you had blinked you would have missed it. It was going fine until Alec landed a punch that even Max would have been able to block. 

"You must be getting slow in your old age," Alec joked as he took his seraph blade and moved it into a defensive position. Ready to strike or move at a split seconds notice. 

"Screw you, we're the same age." Jace said as he moved his blond hair out of his eyes. His body was looked taunt. Jaws clenched and hands weighed down as if they were made of concrete. His eyes were glazed as if he were a doll that Isabelle used to have when she was little. Jace attempted to an attack that Alec dodged and rounded on Jace. Knocking him to the floor for the second time in as many minutes. 

"What's the matter with you?" Alec asked and then regretted how harsh it sounded. He knew from experience that getting Jace to open up wasn't an easy feat and it was made a lot harder when he was treated like what happened wasn't important. The rest of the institute was in bed or out on missions and so it was just Alec and Jace in the training room. Clary was in Isabelle's room no doubt talking about boys and painting each other's nails. Alec had to admit, he wasn't sure that his sister and the red head would have become as close as they were. Maybe she was just tired of being one of the only girls in the institute? 

"Nothing! I'm fine," Jace snarled as he forced himself back up. The hand that gripped his blade shook and his knuckles turned white.

"No, you're not" Alec prompted. By the Angel, it took some persistence and a little bit of skill to get Jace to do or talk about anything but it was a skill he had mastered over the years. "We're Parabatia, remember? I feel what you feel, to a lesser extent."

"I'm fine," Jace snarled again as he attacked. Blades crashed and Alec, yet again, overpowered Jace. Giving the blond a hand up to help him stand, Alec caught Jace as he swayed like he was going to black out.

"Mhm, sure, nothing's wrong." The dark haired man muttered to himself as he tried to guide Jace to a bench. Pushing himself away from his Parabatai's arms, Jace stormed away from Alec who was more puzzled than ever. Making straight for the roof of the institute where it was quieter, where the fresh air (or as fresh as you could get in New York) blew through his sweaty, blond hair. Cooling his body down. Taking a deep breath, Jace began to think about everything that had happened over the last few days. All the pain, the chaos, the murder. Panic swelled up in his throat and he gripped the freezing iron railings that circled the rooftop. Tears splashed on the dusty concrete and he mentally berated himself. Now wasn't the time for tears. But still, the hot tears trailed down his face as he swallowed round the raw lump that had forced its way into his throat. Why did he feel like he was dying?

"Jace, you okay?" Alec's voice came from behind him. Closing his eyes and clenching his jaw, Jace turned towards his Parabatai silently.

The look of surprise on Alec's face showed what Jace had been thinking. He hardly ever showed that he was struggling. Quickly rapping Jace into his arms, Alec, shushed him the way Jace used to shush him when he was upset. 

"Jace whatever it is, it's going to be okay." Alec muttered as he swayed himself and Jace slowly. The rooftop was getting colder as the sun went down over the skyline. A beautiful sight if the matter hand wasn't so soul crushing. Out of the two of them, Jace was the strongest.

Shaking his head, Jace shook and gasped for breath between sobs. He didn't think he had ever cried like this before. Not when he was a child as he watched his father die. Not when he found out he was being shipped off to live in the institute with strangers. Not when he found out that him and Clary are siblings or when he thought he had demon blood. Not ever!

"Jace you have to calm down or you're going to hyperventilate," Alec warned. 

Alec helped Jace to get his breathing slow down. How many times had he done this when Alec had panic attacks?

“In...out...In…out. Slowly, remember. You’re okay.” The darker haired man repeated like a mantra. Grounding his Parabatai like he had always been able to.  
Some time later, when they both were sat quietly on the roof of the institute watching the hustle and bustle of New York City from above. Jace was uncharacteristically quiet. Every so often he’d clench his jaw and ball his hands up into fists, his nails carving small crescents into the palm of his hands.  
“Jace, hey, you’re going to hurt yourself.” Alec quietly took Jace’s shaking hands into his own.

"How did you know I'd be up here?" Jace asked. Biting his lip as he looked out over the city. Quick to change the subject. Hurting himself was the least of his worries, it had been for a while.

"It's where I go when I'm upset, I thought it would be the same for you." He shrugged. "So what's going on with you?" 

"Shouldn't you text Magnus? Tell him you're going to be late home?" Jace asked. Determined to avoid and skirt around as many questions as possible.

"Already done. Now what's up?"

Shaking his head, Jace opens his mouth to speak but then closes his mouth again. Complete with the red face and puffy eyes, he imagined he looked like a fish.

"I've not been sleeping," He sighed as he rubbed at his face. "Everything with Valentine and Clary and the sword. It's just been too much." Alec nodded his head understandingly but did not speak for the fear that interrupting Jace would make him go back into his shell again.

"I touched the sword, Alec." He whispered. "I am responsible for all those deaths. Every down worlder in that room died. I killed them."

"You didn't know, Jace! It wasn't your faul-" Alec tried but was interrupted.

"Would you still say that if Magnus had died?"

Every argument died on his tongue as the darker haired man looked into Jace's eyes. How could he ask that? Thinking back to the terror that seeped into his bones like thick tar made him shudder. He never wanted to feel like that ever again. He never wanted to lose Magnus ever again. Letting out a breath he reminded himself that his brother was finding any way to feel bad and he was doing that by trying to get Alec to lash out. It wasn't a tactic that Alec was unfamiliar with. 

"Yes... It would have taken me a very long time to get over it but I would never have accused you of knowing what you were about to do and still doing it," He spoke calmly. Unwilling to let Jace beat himself up over the actions that happened a few days ago. 

"I went into that room willing to die. Maybe I should have?" He whispered, looking out towards the city. Not wanting to look at his Parabatai. 

"Jace," Alec said carefully, still taking in what his brother had said. "Have you ever thought that maybe you were meant to live?" The question took Jace by surprise. He hadn't thought of that. Too caught up on the death to think about the life.

"Think about it," He continued. Watching Jace carefully. "You thought that you would have died by touching the sword. Maybe you are supposed to live. Supposed to help stop Valentine, train the next shadowhunters settle down with someone you love."

Jace nodded, perhaps Alec was right. Maybe he was meant to live.

"Come on, let's go downstairs. It's freezing up here..." Jace said as he stood up. Suddenly feeling stupid for letting himself be so vulnerable. If it had been anyone other than his Parabatai, Jace woudn't have said anything. 

"You need to sleep." Alec said as they walked down through the hall. The witchlights were dim. Casting shadows on the walls. 

"Yeah, I do." Jace said as he began to feel the true exhaustion that had settled into his bones. Patting Alec on the shoulder he turned and dragged his feet to his room and collapsing on his bed. Never, had his bed felt so comfortable He fell asleep the minute he settled on his bed. Not bothering to take off his clothes or pull the covers over himself. For the first time what felt like eternity, he felt like his soul wasn't heavy with the weight of the world.

**Author's Note:**

> This feels super out of character so let me know what you think? I'm not great at writing Jace but I gave it a go:)


End file.
